The Strong Myth, Men, and Alcohol
Welcome to Journey to the Sunny Side, the podcast where we have thoughtful conversations to explore the science of habits, uncover the secrets to mindful living, and of course, your own mindful drinking journey. This podcast is brought to you by Sunnyside, the number one alcohol moderation platform. And if you could benefit from drinking a bit less, head on over to sunnyside.co to get a free fifteen day trial. I'm your host, Mike Hardinbrook, published author, neuroscience enthusiast and habit change expert. Hey, everybody.
Speaker 1:Welcome back to the show. And if you've been tuning in the last several weeks, you've probably noticed that I focused a lot on women's health in mindful drinking. And to be honest, that makes total sense because many of our listeners are in fact women, and so are many of our guests as well. But today, I want to take some time to talk about men, the dads, the husbands, the partners. And for the women listening, this conversation includes you Because this isn't just about men.
Speaker 1:It's about relationships. It's about understanding why men sometimes pull back, why alcohol can so easily become the go to coping mechanism, and how both sides can build healthier ways of connecting. So let's jump into it. Psychologists talk about something called the male role stress. That's the pressure men feel to live up to cultural expectations.
Speaker 1:You know, things like be steady, stay in control, handle the problems quietly, don't show any cracks. Now, not every man experiences this in the same way, but many of us grow up with the sense that our values come from how much we can carry without leaning on anyone else. And so when life gets heavy, a lot of us men pull inward. And sometimes that looks like silence. Sometimes it looks like irritability.
Speaker 1:Sometimes it looks like heading to the garage, zoning out on the phone, and, of course, pouring a drink. Now it's likely that you heard of a book by John Gray called Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, and he describes with this cave metaphor. Men under stress often retreat to their, quote unquote, cave, and that doesn't mean that they don't care. It's actually an attempt to regain control privately before reemerging. So here's where alcohol actually comes in.
Speaker 1:Research published in American Psychologists found that men are significantly less likely than women to seek out support when they're stressed. So women often cope by reaching out, calling a friend, talking through it, while men are more likely to cope through distractions or avoidance. And I know this personally, I used it for avoidance and alcohol fits this pattern perfectly. It doesn't ask for vulnerability, it doesn't need an explanation, and it works fast. But psychologists also warned that this creates something called alcohol myopia.
Speaker 1:This is a term from Steele and Joseph's back in 1990, and basically, alcohol narrows your focus to the immediate release, but the stress feels even heavier, of course, when the buzz wears off. So many times when we drink more than we wanted, it's not about indifference. It's actually often about a way to manage stress silently. So I'm gonna give you a personal example. Back when I was drinking more than I wanted to, I would have things happen to me during my day at work.
Speaker 1:Things like frustrations, stress, little conflicts, you know, typical stuff. And a lot of times, I didn't wanna come home and relive them. I didn't want to unload on my wife, and, honestly, I didn't really want her to go into a problem solving mode, which she often did. And that was always out of a good place and to be helpful. But I also didn't want to share that because I didn't want to share that stress with her.
Speaker 1:So oftentimes, I would keep it to myself. And what did I do instead? Well, I'd want to kick back with some drinks. I just wanted to laugh, wanted to have fun. I wanted to forget about it all.
Speaker 1:Except, of course, I didn't forget. Those problems didn't go away anywhere. I just pushed them off. And the truth is my frustration from one area would leak into other areas. And on top of that, when I drink too much, of course, my focus, my sleep, my mood, those things would get thrown off.
Speaker 1:And what that would lead to is I wasn't present the next day. I was living in my head. I was either replaying the night before or I was thinking about how I'd get through the night ahead, and that didn't work. What finally did make a difference was finding a healthier way to reset and connect with my wife. Sometimes that would just be going for a walk at sunset.
Speaker 1:Sometimes it was just having coffee early in the mornings, something, of course, that wouldn't happen if I had too much the night before. And one of the biggest shifts, which I've mentioned here many times, sorry if you've heard it again, was I got into mountain biking. So I picked that as my outlet. Sometimes that meant on the weekends, had really long rides. And the cool thing was is that my wife understood.
Speaker 1:She gave me the space for it. It wasn't forever. It wasn't every single weekend, but it was enough to let me reset without guilting me. And that support made a huge difference in my journey because it wasn't just about escaping. It was about coming back more grounded, more present, and more connected.
Speaker 1:So for the men listening, if any of that sounds familiar, here's a few things that you can try. So the first one is build reset rituals that aren't alcohol. So this could be exercise, journaling, watching your favorite shows, even video games. It doesn't really matter. Anything that truly relieves stress.
Speaker 1:And research from James Gross at Stanford showed that suppressing emotions raises blood pressure and stress hormones. So those outlets that can actually relieve stress are critical. Alright. Next one is say something small out loud. You don't have to give a full rundown of your day, even just saying, you know, it was a rough day at work or even I need a few minutes to reset, and that changes the dynamic.
Speaker 1:Next one is check your cave. So ask yourself, am I recharging or am I avoiding? That question alone can shift your choices. And then finally, about legacy. Psychologist Albert Bandura's social learning theory shows that kids model what they see.
Speaker 1:So if they watch a parent retreat into silence and alcohol, then they learn that's how you cope. If they see healthier resets, then they're gonna copy that too. And for the women listening, here's how you can support in a way that's received. So number one is notice the daily effort. Acknowledge when he's engaged, helping with kids, making dinner, maybe even showing up when he's tired.
Speaker 1:But the key is recognition matters. Next is use questions that give options. So instead of a general how are you or how was your day, ask things like, hey, do you wanna vent about anything or do you wanna leave it at the door? Another option is, do you need some quiet or do you wanna do something together? These feel natural and give him permission to choose what he needs.
Speaker 1:Next is respect decompression. If he needs just twenty minutes of quiet, that's not rejection, it's actually recovery. And stress research shows that these kinds of short breaks actually improve reengagement later. Next is offer alternatives as a partnership. So a simple, wanna take a walk with me, feels supportive and not corrective.
Speaker 1:And then finally, reinforce small openings. So even small shares matter. And research shows that feeling supported lowers stress hormones and reduces risky drinking. Alright. Let's pause for a second because I just threw a bunch of information at you, and this is more of a reflection prompt.
Speaker 1:So for men, think about the last time that you said, I'm fine, even when you weren't. What would it be like or how would it feel to share even just a one line instead of shutting down or, you know, going and pouring a drink? Now on the other hand, women, think about the last time that you sensed something was off. How might you reframe the question to open up space rather than close it down? So moving forward together, couples often get caught in this loop.
Speaker 1:One person retreats, the other person reaches out, and then they both feel misunderstood. And breaking that loop doesn't mean men have to spill into every single detail or that women have to fix everything, It just means that men should experiment with letting their partner in, even if just briefly, and women should create space that feels safe and respectful. And when that happens, alcohol starts to lose some of its pull, stress gets handled more openly, and the home feels more connected. Thanks for hanging out with me this week. I hope you have a beautiful week.
Speaker 1:If you got anything out of this podcast, again, it means so much to support it by rating and reviewing it wherever you're listening to. Thanks again, and I'll see you next time. Hey, everybody. Welcome back to the show. And if you've been tuning in the last several weeks, you've probably noticed that I focused a lot on women's health in mindful drinking.
Speaker 1:And to be honest, that makes total sense because many of our listeners are in fact women and so are many of our guests as well. But today, I wanna take some time to talk about men. The dads, the husbands, the partners. And for the women listening, this conversation includes you. Because this isn't just about men.
Speaker 1:It's about relationships. It's about understanding why men sometimes pull back, why alcohol can so easily become the go to coping mechanism, and how both sides can build healthier ways of connecting. So let's jump into it. Psychologists talk about something called the male role stress. That's the pressure men feel to live up to cultural expectations.
Speaker 1:You know, things like be steady, stay in control, handle the problems quietly, don't show any cracks. Now not every man experiences this in the same way, but many of us grow up with the sense that our values come from how much we can carry without leaning on anyone else. And so when life gets heavy, a lot of us men pull inward. And sometimes that looks like silence, sometimes it looks like irritability, sometimes it looks like heading to the garage, zoning out on the phone, and of course, pouring a drink. Now it's likely that you heard of a book by John Gray called Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.
Speaker 1:And he describes with this cave metaphor. Men under stress often retreat to their quote unquote cave. And that doesn't mean that they don't care, it's actually an attempt to regain control privately before reemerging. So here's where alcohol actually comes in. Research published in American Psychologists found that men are significantly less likely than women to seek out support when they're stressed.
Speaker 1:So women often cope by reaching out, calling a friend, talking through it, while men are more likely to cope through distractions or avoidance. And I know this personally, I used it for avoidance and alcohol fits this pattern perfectly. It doesn't ask for vulnerability, it doesn't need an explanation, and it works fast. But psychologists also warned that this creates something called alcohol myopia. This is a term from Steele and Joseph's back in 1990 and basically alcohol narrows your focus to the immediate release but the stress feels even heavier of course when the buzz wears off.
Speaker 1:So many times when we drink more than we wanted, it's not about indifference, it's actually often about a way to manage stress silently. So I'm gonna give you a personal example. Back when I was drinking more than I wanted to, I would have things happen to me during my day at work. Things like frustrations, stress, little conflicts, you know, typical stuff. And a lot of times, I didn't wanna come home and relive them.
Speaker 1:I didn't want to unload on my wife and honestly, I didn't really want her to go into a problem solving mode which she often did and that was always out of a good place and to be helpful. But also didn't want to share that because I didn't want to share that stress with her. So oftentimes I would keep it to myself. And what did I do instead? Well, I'd want to kick back with some drinks.
Speaker 1:I just wanted to laugh. I wanted to have fun. I wanted to forget about it all. Except, of course, I didn't forget. Those problems didn't go away anywhere.
Speaker 1:I just pushed them off. And the truth is my frustration from one area would leak into other areas. And on top of that, when I drink too much, of course, my focus, my sleep, my mood, those things would get thrown off. And what that would lead to is I wasn't present the next day. I was living in my head.
Speaker 1:I was either replaying the night before or I was thinking about how I'd get through the night ahead and that didn't work. What finally did make a difference was finding a healthier way to reset and connect with my wife. Sometimes that would just be going for a walk at sunset. Sometimes it was just having coffee early in the mornings, something of course that wouldn't happen if I had too much the night before. And one of the biggest shifts which I've mentioned here many times, sorry if you've heard it again, was I got into mountain biking.
Speaker 1:So I picked that as my outlet. Sometimes that meant on the weekends, I had really long rides. And the cool thing was is that my wife understood. She gave me the space for it. It wasn't forever.
Speaker 1:It wasn't every single weekend, but it was enough to let me reset without guilting me. And that support made a huge difference in my journey because it wasn't just about escaping, it was about coming back more grounded, more present, and more connected. So for the men listening, if any of that sounds familiar, here's a few things that you can try. So the first one is build reset rituals that aren't alcohol. So this could be exercise, journaling, watching your favorite shows, even video games.
Speaker 1:It doesn't really matter. Anything that truly relieves stress. And research from James Gross at Stanford showed that suppressing emotions raises blood pressure and stress hormones. So that outlet can actually release stress very So those outlets that can actually release stress are critical. Alright.
Speaker 1:Next one is say something small out loud. You don't have to give a full rundown of your day. Even just saying, you know, it was a rough day at work or even I need a few minutes to reset and that changes the dynamic. Next one is check your cave. So ask yourself, am I recharging or am I avoiding?
Speaker 1:That question alone can shift your choices. And then finally, think about legacy. Psychologist Albert Bandura's Social Learning Theory shows that kids model what they see. So if they watch a parent retreat into silence and alcohol, then they learn that's how you cope. If they see healthier resets, then they're gonna copy that too.
Speaker 1:And for the women listening, here's how you can support in ways that help. And for the women listening, here's how you can support in a way that's received. One. Notice the daily effort. Acknowledge when he's engaged, helping with kids, making dinner, maybe even showing up when he's tired.
Speaker 1:But the key is recognition matters. Next is use questions that give options. So instead of a general, how are you? Or how was your day? Ask things like, hey, do you want to vent about anything or do you want to leave it at the door?
Speaker 1:Another option is, do you need some quiet or do you want to do something together? These feel natural and give him permission to choose what he needs. Next is respect decompression. If he needs just twenty minutes of quiet, that's not rejection, it's actually recovery. And stress research shows that these kinds of short breaks actually improve re engagement later.
Speaker 1:Next is offer alternatives as a partnership. So a simple, wanna take a walk with me? Feels supportive and not corrective. And then finally reinforce small openings. So even small shares matter.
Speaker 1:And research shows that feeling supported lowers stress hormones and reduces risky drinking. Alright, let's pause for a second because I just threw a bunch of information at you and this is more of a reflection prompt. So for men, think about the last time that you said I'm fine even when you weren't. What would it be like or how would it feel to share even just one line instead of shutting down or going and pouring a drink? Now on the other hand, women, think about the last time that you sensed something was off, How might you reframe the question to open up space rather than close it down?
Speaker 1:So moving forward together, couples often get caught in this loop. One person retreats, the other person reaches out, and then they both feel misunderstood. And breaking that loop doesn't mean men have to spill into every single detail or that women have to fix everything. It just means that men should experiment with letting their partner in, even if just briefly, and women should create space that feels safe and respectful. And when that happens, alcohol starts to lose some of its pull, stress gets handled more openly, and the home feels more connected.
Speaker 1:Thanks for hanging out with me this week. I hope you have a beautiful week. If you got anything out of this podcast, again, it means so much to support it by rating and reviewing it wherever you're listening to. Thanks again, and I'll see you next time. This podcast is brought to you by Sunnyside, the number one alcohol moderation platform, having helped hundreds of thousands of people cut out more than 13,000,000 drinks since 2020.
Speaker 1:And in fact, an independent study showed that Sunnyside reduced alcohol consumption by an average of 30% in ninety days. And as one of our members shared, Sunnyside helps me stay mindful of my drinking habits. It's not super restrictive. So if I'm craving a glass of wine with dinner, I just track it and I move on with my week. If you could benefit from drinking a bit less and being more mindful of when and how much you drink, head on over to sunnyside.co to get a free fifteen day trial.
Speaker 1:You'll get access to everything that we offer, including tracking and planning tools, coaching from our experts, a vibrant community of people just like you, and the motivation and advice to stay on track with your health goals, all with no pressure to quit. That's sunnyside.co.
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