Myth-Busting: Top 5 Myths about Alcohol Moderation w/ Mike Hardenbrook
Welcome to Journey to the Sunny Side, the podcast where we have thoughtful conversations to explore the science of habits, uncover the secrets to mindful living, and, of course, inspire your own mindful drinking journey. This podcast is brought to you by Sunnyside, the number one alcohol moderation platform. And if you could benefit from drinking a bit less, head on over to sunnyside.co to get a free 15 day trial. I'm your host, Mike Hardenbrook, published author, neuroscience enthusiast, and habit change expert. Okay.
Mike:Today's gonna be a whole different kinda episode. I'm going to cover the 5 myths about alcohol moderation. And if you like this format, I'd love to hear your feedback because I have many more I could create. But your feedback gives us the direction to be able to provide the content that's most beneficial to you. So without further ado, let's get into it.
Mike:And number 1, questioning my drinking means that I have a problem. You hear this a lot, especially this is deeply rooted in the abstinence abstinence or 12 step programs that say, if you actually think you might have a problem, that's an indicator that you have a serious problem. And, usually, what the next solution is, you have to give it up forever. That's the only solution. Or if you respond and say, no.
Mike:I actually don't think I have a serious problem. The response to that is usually you're in denial. Well, we know that that's not true. We know that there is many more options out there. We know that if you're questioning your drinking, that is not an indicator or an all be all for whether or not you're a quote, unquote alcoholic.
Mike:What that actually in my opinion shows is there is a sign of self awareness there. There's a sign that you actually are taking pause and looking at your behaviors and thinking, what can I do that would improve this? Because I actually think that this is affecting my life right now. So you do not have to have a problem with alcohol for it to be problematic or negatively impact your life. And you don't need those traditional labels.
Mike:You already know that if it's affecting your health, if it's affecting your relationship, it's affecting how you feel on a daily basis or maybe the goals you wanna get to, You don't need to put a label on it because one thing I like to talk about is that if you're having anxiety, most of the time, we wanna find a solution to lower that anxiety. If you're feeling down in the dumps or you're depressed, you want to find a solution that will lift your spirits up and get you out of that depressed state. You don't necessarily look for labels. You don't necessarily look to compare your depressed state to somebody else like we do with alcohol. And so I would just say, this is your time to say, hey, it's a problem for me right now or it's not where I want it to be and I want to improve.
Mike:And that goes on to my next point, personal growth. So reflecting on your drinking habits is part of your self improvement in your personal health. You wanna evaluate different aspects of your life, including drinking, where you can overall up your well-being, up your productivity. And so we just can take the same approach as we do with everything. This is an approach towards personal growth.
Mike:And then also, another one I wanna talk about is avoid binary thinking. So this idea that there's a normal drinker and there is a problematic or an alcoholic, and there's nothing in between. Because we already know that's just simply not true, and I am living proof of that. I didn't fall into either of those categories. So just thinking that it's not a problem or is a problem is just a shortsighted way of looking at how we approach our alcohol health.
Mike:So now that we already know that labels might not be self serving for most of us, this allows us now to take action instead of, like, specifying and identifying. Instead, we're gonna focus on how we want to feel and what we want to achieve rather than a predetermined category that chooses our path. And that's what moderation is all about. It's about setting your own personal goals. And so there is empowerment through choice.
Mike:So we'll make choices based on our own personal goals, feelings on what feels right and where we wanna go. And then we will have the power to make positive changes, be as happy and healthy as we want to because the labels don't get to choose what that looks like. We get to choose what that looks like for us. So that's number 1. Okay.
Mike:Number 2, cutting back didn't work for me before, so I just don't think it's gonna work for me at all. Well, first of all, let's learn from our past experiences because with not just drinking, with anything that we do, just because something didn't work before, doesn't mean it's not gonna work for us with a new strategy. Many successful changes in life come after multiple attempts, not just drinking, but in all parts of our lives. Like, think about, oh, an entrepreneur that's trying to start a business. And if it didn't work the first time, does that mean it just won't work at all?
Mike:No. We need to teach ourselves what works, what doesn't, and then adjust the strategy moving forward. Another reason maybe it didn't work in the past is you were in a different place in your life or you had a different mindset, and now you're more motivated or maybe there's less stress or maybe you're more mature. You know? There's a lot of different factors that life happens.
Mike:So if you were in a different place before, maybe this time, you are more set up and more poised for success. And then the next point is the importance of planning. So this is usually, and in my own experience, why it didn't work in the past for me. I had a goal. I set it in my mind, but I really didn't have a plan for it.
Mike:I didn't have strategies. I didn't track it. So there are all kinds of different things like building support. I didn't put any of that in place. I just basically said to myself, I only wanna have 2 or 3 drinks at this party.
Mike:I'd go off the rails and have more than I planned, and I really left it to willpower and had no plan. And then I would say to myself, oh, well, it just doesn't work. Well, I actually didn't have a good strategy. So I've talked about the importance of successful planning, but let's talk about what the elements of that plan might look like. The first is we need to set clear goals.
Mike:We need to define what cutting back looks like for you. You know, is it a number of drinks in a sitting? Is it per week? Is it avoiding certain situations? So we need to really have a clear plan in place and not just in our head walking around like these are the rules.
Mike:We need to have them down somewhere. Next is we really need to track our progress. So first, we need to get a baseline so that we can track where we're at, and then we're gonna wanna track moving forward. Number 1, so that we can see where we're at. Number 2, so that we can celebrate our wins.
Mike:Another is actually building a support system around you. People that understand that you're on this journey, so they can support you in that way, or people that are on the same journey. And then also experts that can support you if you have questions or if you are in a moment that you need to reach out to somebody. Another is just identifying triggers, cues, all the things about the habit loop to understand what our habits look like, what are driving them, what are causing us to maybe slip up, what are bringing up emotions to trigger your drinking. And, of course, when they do come up, we need to have alternatives.
Mike:We need to have tactics that will help us. So for example, nonalcoholic alternatives or alternating your drinks, or maybe you have mindfulness techniques, things like urge surfing, things like meditation, breath work, or EFT tapping. There's all kinds of things that you can do that when things do come up, you can deal with the stress and have techniques that will get you past that period. And then, of course, we want to prepare. If we're gonna be in a social situation where we might be tempted, we need to be ready for that.
Mike:We can't just go into it and say, I hope, I hope, and then plan on that as being our strategy. I said support systems are really important, so find friends, peers, or professionals that can support you along this way. And then we wanna experiment. We wanna try different strategies to see what works best for you. We wanna reflect and adjust.
Mike:So regularly look over what has been going on. Where's your progress? And where do you think you can adjust that as needed to get you closer to your goal or to actually keep you on the goal if you're hitting it? And then a big part of that is celebrating the wins. We need to acknowledge and celebrate your successes no matter how small they are because this is a long term strategy.
Mike:This is not a white knuckle it, get through it, and then maybe fall off. We want this to become a habit, a ritual. This is your new lifestyle, and celebrate the road on the way there, and celebrate it as you maintain it. Okay. Number 3.
Mike:I'll be less social and outgoing without alcohol. So we're talking about the days where you are not drinking, or maybe you have a little apprehension because you're not gonna be able to indulge as much as you do on the days that you plan. So the FOMO or the fear of missing out is definitely a big part that people are concerned about when considering moderating or giving up alcohol altogether. And the question is, what are you really missing out on, like, to really reflect on that? So I'm gonna share a little bit of a personal experience here.
Mike:So I always thought that I was much more outgoing, much more social when I had alcohol. And the truth is I was more comfortable. I did probably speak longer, and I would stay out much longer as well. Pretty typical for most people. But here's the thing.
Mike:That was only a couple hours, you know, 2 to 4 hours at a social gathering for the entire time of being social. But the next day, when I overdid it, if I was hungover, I would have anxiety. I would be in a low mood. I wouldn't wanna talk to anybody. I wouldn't you know, if you go to the store, you wouldn't wanna bump into somebody you haven't seen in a long time.
Mike:And so in that sense, it actually made me less social in the long run. So that would be an entire day of being less social. I would want to put things on hold that maybe were big that I've been wanting to do. So what actually I thought was making me social was doing the opposite in more time. So here's another aspect to that, is that back to the same question, what are you really missing out on?
Mike:And so if you're bummed and you think I'm not gonna be able to go to the parties, and I'm not gonna be able to do a lot of the things at the get togethers and be as friendly, but do something called the sober test. So Nir Eyal, who is an adviser at Sunnyside and also happens to be a mentor of mine, has this thing called the sober test. So go out and do the activities where you normally drink and see if you actually enjoy them. Because if you don't enjoy them, then it was really more about the alcohol and less about the activity or the people that you were gathering around. And so in that sense, when you remove that, you're actually not missing out on anything.
Mike:And in fact, you'll find things that are more fulfilling to replace that time. So you could use it for meeting somebody for coffee, going for a hike, doing other activities that aren't centered around alcohol. And in that sense, you'll actually end up gaining more and missing out on the things that you actually the true self of you doesn't really enjoy anyways. And so we'll get out of that fooling ourselves that we're missing out with the sober test. And then another great thing that is unique to moderation versus abstinence is that on the days that you choose, you can bring mindful choices to the social events maybe that you do enjoy.
Mike:And so when you have a plan in place, first of all, you are already have it in place. So you don't have to worry about how much am I gonna drink? Am I drinking too much? Because you have it in place, and you have contingency plans in place in case you're tempted to go over that. And what that does is that, first of all, you feel less guilty because you already know you have a plan, and if you stick to it, you can feel good about that.
Mike:And on top of it, because you're not overdoing it, you're not gonna get a lot of those negative side effects that I talked about the next day with the anxiety and the low mood. And so you actually double up on your socials. So you can enjoy a drink or 2 with friends. You don't have to worry or feel guilty, and you get to feel really good the next day. And then I'd like to finish with long term social benefits to moderation.
Mike:So over time, you know, when you're overdoing it, your energy is low, your focus is low, you got brain fog, might be in a low mood. Over time, when you change your habits and you're not overdoing it, your energy's up. Your focus is up. You're more positive and have a better outlook on life. And in that case, when you're in those moods, you're gonna be more likely to contribute to social, activities and be more outgoing.
Mike:And this can lead to because the activities are not centered only around the drinking, it can lead to more meaningful relationships that are more genuine interactions, and it's not just about the shared drinking habits. So there's addressing that myth. Okay. Number 4, cutting back requires tons of willpower and a strict plan. And that's a long way of saying it's hard.
Mike:And to be honest, it doesn't have to be that hard. So first of all, it doesn't require tons of willpower. Of course, you already know I wrote a book that says no willpower required, a neuroscience of 1st to change your habits with alcohol because willpower is finite. You'll give in. It is not something that is unlimited that we can rely on as a strategy, as a resource.
Mike:And over time, willpower gets depleted by stress, fatigue, decision making throughout the day. So it doesn't require tons of willpower. It requires more of a plan and a strategy. Part of that is mindfulness practices. So integrating these help us become more aware around our drinking and triggers, as I mentioned before, which is gonna help us to cut back without relying on a strict plan or willpower.
Mike:Big part of that is the neuroscience of habit change. So understanding the habit loop, the cue, routine, reward is crucial to breaking old habits without relying on willpower and forming new healthier ones. And also, like I said, decision fatigue. We make thousands and thousands of decisions and internal thoughts throughout the day. By the end of the evening, we are just completely depleted.
Mike:And actually, there's more things going on physically inside of our brains. But just simply put, at our lowest point, our urges are gonna be the highest in the evening. And so that's why it's really hard at the end of the day to resist happy hour, to resist that glass of wine. And so just bringing more awareness, will help us to understand what's going on so that we don't make decisions that we might regret later. And it's just all about being aware, bringing mindfulness to that.
Mike:So now that we talked about willpower here, let's talk about that it needs to be a strict plan. So a strict plan when it comes to abstinence is basically all or nothing. You know? No matter what, don't drink today, and that's it. And if you slip up, you know, the only answer is and it's met with a lot of guilt and shame.
Mike:The only answer is to get right back there, and you have to start back at 0. When it comes to moderation, this is a much more flexible and compassionate plan that is built around your goals. And it's also built around the fact that, hey, life happens. And sometimes we are going to hit our goals, and sometimes we're gonna celebrate, and sometimes we're gonna slip up. And how do we how do we fix those?
Mike:How do we address those? And how do we keep moving forward in a positive way that gives ourselves grace, that gives us ourselves understanding so that we can lead on long term and continue this plan? So it's a lot more flexible. It allows for us to make up when we slip up. So for example, maybe we had one too many on Tuesday, and Thursday is our next drinking day.
Mike:Well, we can reduce from that or take that entire drinking day away so that we can stay on our weekly plan on how many drinks we wanna have. And so there's flexibility there. Also, in the other direction, let's say, we decided this month, we are gonna run a marathon or something. And so for that reason, we're really gonna cut back the drinking. But then maybe you're gonna go on vacation with some friends and go into Europe, and you say, I wanna have, wine while you're there and enjoying myself.
Mike:And it allows you to plan that out how you want it to look. So there is not a strict plan. There's a flexible plan that meets our goals. And then number 5, the final one. Friends will judge, pressure, or abandon me, and this is just simply not true.
Mike:So most people are focused on their own lives first of all. They're not focused on your drinking habits. And if they are, it's way less than you actually think. And so this fear of judgment is way larger in your head than it actually is in reality. People just simply don't care as bad as that sounds.
Mike:You're the one that thinks it's important to you. And so you're the one that gets to decide what that looks like. And that leads into the next positive trend, which is the societal narrative is moving towards understanding that alcohol is just it's not good for you. It's bad for you. And so anyone that says they want to make a healthier choice sounds kinda insane to say, why would you wanna be healthier?
Mike:Because people are starting to understand that if people are taking a break or cutting back, that they don't automatically, like the old school days, say, oh, that person must have a problem with that binary thinking of there's either an alcoholic or a normal drinker. And we know that's just not the case, and so that's working in your favor. Another part that I actually write about in my book is something called cognitive dissonance. And that is a a helpful tool for you to understand that let's say, those first two where I said people don't care and the societal narrative is that, you know, they're not noticing. And if they do notice, they understand.
Mike:But let's say we flip it the other way, and you had do actually have somebody that's pressuring you. If you understand what cognitive dissonance is, it's basically there's a few things going on. First of all, they might have an internal conflict of their own going on with their own drinking. And so when they see that you're changing that, it's a reflection on them, makes them feel bad about themselves. And so they want you to join in with them.
Mike:And if you don't, you know, they might pressure you or turn a cold shoulder, and it really has nothing to do with anything you're doing. It's totally about them. There's a few other ones, like, maybe you're not part of our tribe anymore. So we see this kind of with mommy wine culture in that there's pressure to be part of that group to fit in that you need to do and act in in including drinking as everyone else does. And so, again, that all comes down to the psychology of how interpersonal people are, and it has nothing to do with you.
Mike:And if you want to go ahead and relieve yourself of that pressure, then maybe you can feel less bad, and you should feel no bad feelings around your commitment to make a change. And then I'd like to finish this with a personal story. So, of course, I wrote a book. And when I was writing that book, I had to share basically that I was not happy with my alcohol health for a very long time. And so I had a lot of apprehension.
Mike:All these feelings that I'm talking about now around judgment, what are people gonna think? Are they gonna think that I was weak? And what it turns out is I just said, you know what? It's way more important that I write this book and get it out to the public because if I can just reach one person to help, it'll all make it worth it. But the really surprising thing was is how supportive and zero negative feedback that I got from it.
Mike:And so tons of people came out in support and said, good for you. I think that's amazing that you did that. And not just writing the book that you changed your habits, but the even more surprising thing was how many people came to me and said, you know what? I'm so glad you wrote this because I've myself have been thinking about changing, my habits around alcohol, and I just didn't really know what to do. And I kinda felt bad, and giving it up forever didn't seem like a realistic thing, or even something I wanted to do.
Mike:But now you've made me feel like, okay, now I can explore making this change. And so, I think if you make these changes yourself, you are gonna see more often than not people really inquisitive because number 1, they're in the same place that you were when you decided to make a change. Or they're gonna applaud you for saying, hey. I think it's amazing that you're doing something for yourself to grow and to better yourself both in your health, wealth, relationships, and every pretty much aspect of your life. And so I'll leave that there.
Mike:And if, again, you found this episode helpful, I would love to hear back from you. I am at mike at sunnyside.co. Feel free to email me at any time. And, of course, if you like this podcast, this is the first time I've asked for a rating. If you can go on whatever that you're on listening to this and give us a rating on how you feel about this podcast, that would mean the to me.
Mike:And thanks a lot for listening, and talk to you soon. This podcast is brought to you by Sunnyside, the number one alcohol moderation platform, having helped 100 of thousands of people cut out more than 13,000,000 drinks since 2020. And in fact, an independent study showed that Sunnyside reduced alcohol consumption by an average of 30% in 90 days. And as one of our members shared, Sunnyside helps me stay mindful of my drinking habits. It's not super restrictive.
Mike:So if I'm craving a glass of wine with dinner, I just track it and I move on with my week. If you could benefit from drinking a bit less and being more mindful of when and how much you drink, head on over to sunnyside.co to get a free 15 day trial. You'll get access to everything that we offer, including tracking and planning tools, coaching from our experts, a vibrant community of people just like you, and the motivation and advice to stay on track with your health goals, all with no pressure to quit. That's sunnyside.co.
Creators and Guests
