How to Drink Less Around Friends Without Making It a Big Deal
Welcome to Journey to the Sunny Side, the podcast where we have thoughtful conversations to explore the science of habits, uncover the secrets to mindful living, and, of course, inspire your own mindful drinking journey. This podcast is brought to you by Sunny Side, the number one alcohol moderation platform. And if you could benefit from drinking a bit less, head on over to sunnyside.co to get a free fifteen day trial. I'm your host, Mike Hardenbrook, published author, neuroscience enthusiast, and habit change expert. Welcome back to Journey to the Sunnyside.
mike:I'm Mike Hardenbrook. And today, I am going to the listeners again. And we're gonna talk about something that happens way more often, honestly, than we like to admit. And that is changing your drinking habits and realizing that some of your friendships might be built around drinking. So I've got a great listener question on this, and here it goes.
mike:My husband and I have a friend couple that we've been close to for years. But now that we're drinking less, I'm realizing that a lot of our hangouts revolve around alcohol. I still like them, and I wanna spend time with them, but it feels like we're growing apart. The husband seems to also be cutting back, but I don't know how to bring this up or what to do if they pressure me to drink. So first of all, this is such a common problem when you're starting to drink less.
mike:And if you've ever wondered, how do I handle social drinking without feeling awkward, and how do I tell my friends I'm drinking less without making it a whole big thing, and how do I make sure I don't lose these friendships just because I'm changing and I'm cutting back. And if you've ever had those questions in your mind, this episode's for you. So here's the deal. In our society that we live in today, drinking still is the social glue. It's how we celebrate.
mike:It's how we unwind. It's how we bond. It is a shared ritual. But what happens when you're the one that's changing? At first, it might not seem like a big deal.
mike:You're the one making these personal choices. But drinking isn't just about the drink. It's also this unspoken social rules that we've all absorbed over time. And let me talk about that. Psychologists call this social mirroring.
mike:So we subconsciously match the behaviors of the people around us. And it's why you might find yourself drinking more than planned when you're with certain friends. And then on the other side of it, we have this thing called the reactance effect, which basically means when people feel like their choices are being questioned, they instinctively start to push back. Even if you're not saying a word about their drinking, they might feel that your decision to change is some kind of a silent judgment on their own actions about themselves. So how do you handle this?
mike:How do you navigate the ship without making it weird without making it awkward or turning it into a debate? Even the key is, and we're going to get into this keeping things neutral. So you don't have to convince anyone of anything. So you can relieve yourself of that pressure. You don't have to justify your choices.
mike:The goal really is to stand your ground in a way that keeps your friendship intact without making a big deal out of it. So let's get into how we can do that. So how do you actually bring this up? So first, as I mentioned, keep it casual. You don't have to make this grand announcement.
mike:You don't have to justify it. Just treat it like a normal everyday choice, because guess what? It is. So some easy neutral ways to frame it. You could start off with just things like I'm experimenting with my drinking a little bit less lately, and it's feeling pretty good, or I'm on a little break from alcohol and I'm just going to see how it goes.
mike:Or I just realized that my sleep is getting so much better because I started cutting back a little bit on my weekly drinks and I'm going to stick with it and see how it goes. You'll notice that none of these are like, I think drinking is bad and I'm going to start drinking less or I'm going to quit forever or I'm changing forever. There's no planting a flag in the ground, and that's intentional. So you don't also need to get into explanation. The more you explain, the more it sounds like you're trying to convince them.
mike:So just keep it simple. So that's sort of my take on if actually the topic comes up. Right. You don't need to necessarily lead into it and just out of nowhere say, oh, I'm drinking less all of a sudden and I'm feeling better. You don't have to do that.
mike:But if like the topic comes up, that is one way to approach it. Now if the topic is more around people that are saying, hey, come on. Join me for a drink or whatever. Now I'm gonna get into how you can handle that without getting pushback. And so first of all, I wanna say, here's the thing.
mike:People care way less than we actually think. And in fact, there was a study done in 2021 by addictive behaviors that found that people actually don't notice what others drink as much as we assume. So not only do we just kind of build this up way too much. There's been studies that kind of say, actually, it's true. They don't notice.
mike:But if you're still feeling weird about it, one strategy is to just ease in with neutral one off excuses at first, and they can just be simple. They can be, you know, I've got an early morning with the kids tomorrow. I'm testing out early morning workouts this week. I'm pacing myself tonight. I got a big day tomorrow.
mike:Now some people might not feel comfortable stretching the truth and that's totally fair, but here's another way to look at it in potential opportunity is to actually create a real goal or commitment the next day in order to have this excuse. And what this actually helps reinforce is your decision in the moment to keep on track specifically, if you already know you're gonna be around people that typically you have drinks with. So, you know, you sign up for a morning class or go to the gym or a yoga session. You could plan a sunrise walk or run, even if it's just to go get coffee before the kids wake up, or you could make a commitment with somebody else, you know, tell a friend or your partner, hey, let's do this early thing tomorrow. So now instead of just using an excuse, you're actually setting yourself up for success.
mike:And it's no longer about avoiding alcohol. It's about making choices that support your bigger goals. And after a few times, you can naturally transition into saying maybe what you originally wanted to, but felt a little uncomfortable about. So, you know, after a few excuses at different parties or get togethers or whatever the circumstances, maybe this time you feel more comfortable to say, you know what? Lately, I've been drinking less, and honestly, I feel great.
mike:And I think I might just keep it going and see how it ends up. So, you know, you can, of course, lead with that. But if you feel a little uncomfortable, it's totally okay to just, you know, you don't have to explain it away. Just put a reason as into, oh, well, Bob's got a big day or Jen has to get up early tomorrow. It's not a big deal.
mike:And who's gonna question that? So why this whole thing works? It keeps things neutral. The other person doesn't feel judged. It lowers resistance.
mike:People aren't gonna push back on an occasional excuse. It reinforces your own commitment. When you plan something the next morning, you're more likely to stay on track. So you're actually helping yourself in the moment. And it normalizes the change.
mike:After a few times, they'll start expecting you that, you know, Hey, they've been busy lately. They're probably not gonna drink and tie one on with me tonight, and it won't be weird. Now, if they still push back, you can come up with some other responses. And again, it's about being light, not having to explain yourself. It can be as simple as I'm good, but do your thing.
mike:No judgment. I hope you have a great time. That kind of thing. You know, honestly, I've been feeling great. I'm drinking less.
mike:So I'm just gonna stick with it tonight. And it's getting less and less these days. But even if you have those friends that just wanna keep pushing and tease, that kind of stuff, you can come up with little responses like, yeah. You know what? I'm just giving my liver a little vacation or, you know, I figured out alcohol isn't actually hydrating me the way I thought it was.
mike:You know, stupid little responses to keep it light, to have a response, but you don't have to go into explanation. You really don't. And if they get a little defensive, which is I think a rare thing these days, you can just say, Hey, this is just something I'm trying for me. I have no judgment at all, like at all. And the key really is neutral, confident, no over explaining.
mike:That's really the key to it are those three elements, neutral, confident, no over explain. Now remember you can relieve yourself of any pressure because you're not trying to convince anybody of anything. You're just standing your ground. But here's something cool. You might get one person on your side.
mike:And a lot of times the whole group dynamic can shift. But don't come in with that expectation. Don't come in with that as your goal. Your goal is really just to stand confident in your own decision. And going back to the question, you mentioned that the husband in this couple seems to be cutting back as well.
mike:That's a huge step forward because the second that one person starts questioning their drinking, it makes it easier for someone else to join in. And I've seen this happen so many times. You don't have to convince anybody. You just hold your ground and let people see that you're enjoying yourself. And maybe just maybe eventually someone else will start thinking, hey.
mike:Maybe I'm gonna take it easy too and start asking you about what you're doing and how they can do it too. Alright. So let's also talk about how to make sure this doesn't become a thing that you have to constantly explain. Maybe you can change the dynamic. So maybe you've had these conversations and you guys are doing the same old thing that you always do.
mike:Maybe it's a get together in the backyard so the kids in this case can play and the adults sit over with the adult beverages and talk. But maybe you can change that up. So instead of just like swapping drinks for not drinking, try bringing something new that's actually fun. You know, you could, instead of rallying around drinks, you could make it more around barbecue or cooking nights, make the focus on food instead of drinks. You could do a game night, trick your friends into having more fun without drinking because you guys are into the game.
mike:You could do things like bring these adaptogen drinks that are nonalcoholic and, you know, talk about it, see if you get a buzz or whatever, and just something nonalcoholic. You know, maybe a craft beer. Hey. I've tried this or a mocktail. You know, just bring something that somebody hasn't seen before.
mike:It's new, and it doesn't have to be all about making cocktails or wine or beer. It can be something else. And the reality is is that if the friendship is actually about the friendship, this will stop being an issue really fast because if they respect you, then they're gonna adjust and they're gonna accept it. And if they don't, well, that probably tells you something too about the friendship. You know, what's funny though I'm gonna get into is that a lot of the times we are building up all these scenarios, like how do I deal with objections and how do I explain it off and what are they gonna think?
mike:But a lot of the time people that we think they're gonna push back the hardest are actually the ones questioning their own drinking too. They just don't know how to bring it up. So instead of maybe over explaining or worrying about what they'll think, just focus on your own experience and keep it simple and personal. You know, things like, for example, let's say you're using Sunnyside. I've been using the Sunnyside app to track my drinking, and it's been going great.
mike:It's keeping me on track. It's keeping me intentional, or I'm still drinking. I'm just bringing more mindful choices about it when and why I do and how much. And so you can just do little things like that, and it asks nothing of them and nothing around change, but it gives them space to say, wait a minute. Tell me more about that.
mike:And here's the thing. You might not be the only one at the table thinking about this. A lot of other people might have moments where they wonder if they should cut back and they don't really know what to say at first. So when you're confident in your own choices without making it a big deal, it creates a comfortable space for them to say, I've been thinking about that too. Again, don't have any expectations of this, but it's very, very possible, and it's not uncommon.
mike:Alright. So let's wrap this up. Number one, you don't owe anyone any explanation. Keep it casual. Number two, you don't need to convince anybody.
mike:Just stand your ground. Number three, friendships shift, but strong ones adjust. And number four is find new ways to connect and make it fun. So here's my challenge to you is, first of all, relieve yourself of having to convince anybody of anything. And I want you to remind yourself whenever you go into any of these situations, thank you listener for sending your question in.
mike:Remember the three core concepts, neutral, confident, no over explaining, unless they really wanna know, and they come from a positive place where they might want to join you on this journey. Alright. That's it for today. I hope you have a wonderful rest of the week. If you got any value from this, please leave a rating or review on whatever podcast platform you're listening to, and send me an email.
mike:If you got more of these questions, I love getting them, mike@sunnyside.co. And until then, cheers to your mindful drinking journey. This podcast is brought to you by Sunny Side, the number one alcohol moderation platform. And if you could benefit from drinking a bit less, head on over to sunnyside.co to get a free fifteen day trial.
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