Journey to the Sunnyside

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[00:00:00] Hey there, and welcome to Journey to the Sunside. I'm your host, Mike Hardenbrook, and today we're diving into a topic that goes deep. Healing the inner child for a healthier, more connected you. Our guest, Stephanos Tsiphanos, is a transformational coach, speaker, and advocate of conscious relationships. And personal healing.

Stephanos has worked with everyone from elite soldiers to world champion athletes, guiding them towards growth and transformation, but he's not just talking the talk he's walked the path himself facing and transforming his own struggles along the way. And today we're going to break down the inner child work and what that really means.

Why it's such a game changer and how healing those past wounds can lead to real positive changes in your life So let's dive in with stefanos.

Okay. Welcome back to journey to the sunny side today. I'm here with stephanos stephanos Thanks for coming on today. Yeah, thanks for having me man. Appreciate it Well, [00:01:00] you work with a lot of individuals both men and women and also couples in a lot of different capacities But today I want us to talk into one that you work with Around inner child work or inner child healing And so, let's start with the first question, and that is, how did you first discover inner child work, what made it resonate with you deeply, and how is it part of your own healing?

Yeah, so I first discovered it when I was studying at university and I was studying psychology and behavioral science and really started understanding our developmental self and how the various stages of development that we experience and move through our formative years, how those formative years and the aptitudes we develop and the patterns that we create for ourselves, behavioral, relational, emotional, spiritual, et cetera, you know, the way that we see ourselves, our self worth, the way we give and receive love, Our values our beliefs the things that we care about the most the things that we repel and don't like [00:02:00] Um, and just our basic attitudes and, and the way that we move through the world was very heavily influenced by those, those potent, influential, formative years, and they still play a role in our adult relationships.

And then, you know, that, that gave me a, I guess, an intellectual understanding of that, and it made sense to me. And, and then I went through different processes and learned other modalities and was taught in other modalities around accessing these parts of our psyche. Or these inner children that live within us, right?

These parts of us that experience intensity in the world, whether it's deemed to be positive or negative, and how that registers in our nervous systems, how that registers in our minds, how that registers in our being, totally right? And then how we unconsciously play aspects and afflictions of that out into the world, into relationships.

And so, for example, you know, for me, I would notice that in relationships, I would maybe be, um, secretive, or I would, you know, be in little [00:03:00] white lies, and I would withhold information, I wouldn't be truthful completely in my expression, and that was really tethered and connected to a coping strategy, a way that I would behave when I was younger, you know, I'm talking single digit younger here, like three, four, five, seven years old, whatever it may be, like, To hide myself from punishment because I grew up in a pretty violent, volatile, emotionally abusive and physically abusive environment.

And so if I could manipulate the environment where I was getting hit less or I was getting hurt less or screamed at less, that was a win for me, win for survival, right? And that pattern played out in intimate relationships because the projection was if there's conflict and if there's tension, It's going to equate to big blow ups, it's going to equate to danger, it's going to equate to not a healthy dynamic, it's going to equate to me not being safe.

Another pattern, just to give you another example, to make it more tangible, as I became older, because I grew up with so much aggression, I started accessing more of that, so that became a [00:04:00] coping strategy. The moment something got too difficult in an intimate relationship, or my partner would question me, or doubt me, or accuse me of something, or just be angry at me, I would get angry back, and I would get bigger in my anger, and I was emulating what I saw my father do with my mother, and my mother do with my father, and that became a coping strategy to seize control, to have control, and to essentially feel safe, because that's what we want.

We just want to feel safe, and so for me, Just wanted to feel safe, man. And they're called maladaptive coping strategies because they're not very healthy to play that, those types of patterns out in relationship, but they worked when we were younger. And so making that connection, really starting to understand that was very important for me because then I had to do some inner healing work with that little boy, like I had to give him what he never received.

And I had to do that through emulation. I had to do that through emotional release work and trauma release work and really accessing and having a dialogue within a conversation and communication with that part of me that was acting out, whether it was my teenage part of [00:05:00] my four year old or seven year old.

And really letting him know, which is essentially letting my nervous system know that, that was then and this is now, this is a different situation, I'm safe now, and I don't have to behave in the same way to feel safe, so how can I be different? And that, that's where sort of the journey begins, right? Yeah, who do you think needs to be doing this kind of work?

Like, in your background, and you can elaborate on this, and in fact, I, I invite you to weave as much of your story into this as, as you want to. Um, but, you know, obviously you had some traumatic experiences when you were younger. What about people that maybe don't have anything that would be classified as a capital T trauma, they have a small t traumas.

Um, is this the type of work that everybody should be doing? The answer is yes. And everyone can benefit from inner child work. Everyone can benefit from trauma work. And really exploring where your nervous system is bound up or tight. For Where you view the world through [00:06:00] a lens of vigilance, or contraction, where you see the world as a little bit of a threat, or a greater threat, than not seeing it that way, you know, sort of glass half empty, glass half full, and it's not just about having a negative attitude or a positive attitude, that's really an extension of how safe we feel in our nervous system, both consciously and unconsciously.

And when I'm speaking to the nervousness, I'm not just speaking to our physiology, of course I am, but I'm also speaking to the psychological component of the way we relate to people and the way that we relate to our environment. And so this work can benefit everyone. Even if you haven't experienced Big T Trawler, and it's more Little T Trawler.

Or even if you consider yourself to not have experienced karma, being in deeper communion and communication with this part of you only gives you more access and more range to more of yourself, so more of you comes online, you, you find that you'll feel more fulfillment. Experience greater meaning have more gratitude be more creative and your problem solving school skills [00:07:00] will increase as well you have more range emotional relational spiritual range which is tremendous when it comes to being resilient as well because that means that we can cope with more in a healthy way we can deal with challenges in a healthy way we can be more of ourselves when more robust as humans we falter and crash and crack and break less.

You know internally psychologically and emotionally relationally. And we're more open to life. And so less bugs us, we just live a more fruitful, desirable life. Yeah. I love that. And so when it comes to like trauma, I think a lot of people always want to compare themselves to other people in the most extreme versions.

Of course you have PTSD and veterans who have gone, uh, and, and seen horrible things, but. Our wanting to compare doesn't, doesn't make the fact that the trauma inside of us feels really large, you know, whatever's built up in you is, is, feels just as big to you as it does to somebody else, even though we might want to downplay it just because by [00:08:00] definition in comparison, it's not, it's not necessarily the same or on the same level.

However, I'd like you to elaborate. So you talked about your example where you were recognizing these things that you were doing in relationships, or maybe just in general about being secretive to kind of feel safe and protective. What's the type of work that you were doing to address this? What were the next steps now that you had seen that?

Yeah, essentially the, the. Blanket statement is shadow work, and that is really exploring the unconscious parts of me that influence and feed my relational behavior and how I show up in relationship and how I treat other people and treat myself as a result of that. You know, what's that inner dialogue?

What's the inner critic sound like? How harsh is that inner critic? And so practices really involved somatic work and an example of that. Then there are many [00:09:00] examples, of course, but an example of that is breathwork, and deliberately utilizing breath. To access unconscious parts of ourselves that are driving the ship and making the intangible tangibles because they, when they become tangible, they become accessible.

And when they become accessible, we can dance with them, we can play with them, we can communicate with them, we can reason with them if you like, but more importantly, we can apply compassion and love to these parts of ourselves and let that aspect of ourselves because the correlation to the psyche and the body is the nervous system.

Is several nervous system allowed to be more in a parasympathetic nervous system response where it doesn't feel like it's in overdrive and vigilance and survival and that it's actually in more of a relaxed, regulated place and when it's in a more regulated place, then we can make some changes, then we can start doing more, even more physical work as well.

Like that somatic works really important, gentle, nurturing touch, different breath [00:10:00] practices and techniques. Thanks. Um, vagal toning, or just even toning, like really learning to settle the nervous system, because you can't elicit meaningful change in the world if you don't actually come and live from a regulated nervous system, so you've got to be regulated in your nervous system, you've got to be more softened, otherwise you can't make the changes that you want, your body's too bound up, your mind's too tight.

And then there's obviously belief work as well, in a child work, parts therapy and parts work played a big part for me. And honestly, man, just being, being different circles and groups, you're like, Family constellation work is really important work to do as well, where you are doing deeper work with your family lineage and, and there's role play there in psychodrama and, and really allowing what was not expressed when it needed to be expressed, particularly during your formative years to be expressed and be released.

That plays a big part, but the biggest part man is being met by people that see [00:11:00] you in non-judgmental, compassionate ways and that hear you and that ask questions about where you're at. And that genuinely care, whether it's a coach, friends, a therapist, a group, like a men's group, or if you're a man, like a men's group or something, but to really be met and healthily challenged as well, challenged out of the patterns that don't serve you and call, get called forward on that.

That's a really important part of the growth chip. So I'm really curious to zoom out for a moment before somebody wanted to even think about doing work or maybe addressing the inner child and in their past to get results in, in the today. Okay. What are some of the signals or signs that people should be looking for that would be related to say, in your example, that you were being secretive, I think, in many aspects, you would see people using substances, a lot of people listening right now want to change the relationship with alcohol, some it just might be in a habit space, some it might be a form of, uh, something related to the past, and I think that there are, you know, [00:12:00] that could be said for, you know, Uh, interpersonal relationships, how you eat, um, and just, uh, a gamut of different things.

What are some things that people should be looking for and say, Hey, this is actually something that I, I think I should explore. Yeah. So if you're talking about symptoms, right. And you're looking at firstly, repetitive symptoms is, is what's important to look at. And so if you're making the same choices, In relationship or having the same experience or similar experiences across all different relationships and time as well.

So, you know, every single one or most of your partners have a particular trait or you're attracting an unavailable man or you're attracting aggressive partners or you're really aggressive in partnership or you're really jealous in partnership, anything that is intense and extreme that you're experiencing.

And that is, that feels like it's a compulsion, any addictions that you're experiencing, if you're. You know, I mean, the four horsemen from, from Gottman's work, John and Julie Gottman is, is really important as well, you know, [00:13:00] there's criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling, and, and these, these are signs in relational dynamic, if they're being expressed, that constantly that there's, there's an issue there, there's an underlying issue that isn't resolved and it's unhealed, there's a trauma or traumas or spore, Or cluster of traumas that are unhealed in your body and unhealed in your mind and they're playing out in relationship infidelity if you're constantly experiencing infidelity or you have this need to to cheat if you're lying and dishonest in relationship at the end of the day if you're just unhappy and attracting partners and and you know where you're both or one of you are unwilling to do your inner work and really settle down and not when I say settle down I'm talking about settling into conversation And being clear and being open and being curious.

And if you're both just really defensive and you're just, you're not allowing each other to be heard and you're reactive and you're not willing to cultivate the tools to do that, it's probably a good sign that you've got some inner work to do. What's a [00:14:00] good example of another person that may be in their, their lives and their relationships, like you just said, where they were having difficulties and they started working with you and it was identified, it sounds like you go through a number of different, uh, methods to be able to heal somebody so that their, their relationships in their life now or functioning that the way that they would like them to be.

Are there other examples that you've worked with people where you felt, where it's really directly and regularly tied to childhood, childhood, healing and trauma and inner work? Yeah, for sure. Yeah. I mean, there's an example that just comes to mind now around, I'll give you, I'll give you two examples. So one is a couple that I worked with, you know, there was, um, some infidelity in that and that infidelity was really linked to, you know, The sexual abuse and the shame that that, that boy, that, that man, but that, that man experienced as a boy and it was playing out in his relationship [00:15:00] and when he felt that neglected or felt, uh, insecure in the relationship, he'd go to core on it and go to, Um, massage parlors and you'd go to, you know, other women outside of the relationship because he didn't know how to healthily relate to his partner.

And that was directly tethered to the shame that he experienced in his, in his upbringing with his parents specifically. And the, and the reprimanding that happened then, how that was connected to his body and how that was connected to being a bad boy and, and then needing to be a bad boy because that's familiar.

So he would do bad things and his choice poison, if you like. Was infidelity in that in that sense and that's an example. Another example is another couple that I work with he He's very very defensive and in the relationship and that's a big issue for them And he needs to quote unquote win the argument win win at all costs and and that's directly tethered to not being heard as a kid [00:16:00] He's just he just wasn't heard as a child And he wasn't respected, he didn't have a voice, his mum was too busy for him, and his father died very young, under not very, you know, nice circumstances, for lack of a better term, and his mother completely shut down, and wasn't available to him, and so the only way that he could be heard was through being very loud, and very big, and very obnoxious.

And being in conflict because at least some attention was on him and that was a that was a very subtle pattern But a big one that was connected to his childhood Yeah, I get that attention any way that you can get it like many children. Correct? Yeah. Yeah Well, let's go back into some of the more tactical things that you were talking about ways that you can address this and you mentioned Addressing the central nervous system somatic healing, you know, I think people hear those terms a lot, but especially You Central nervous system, like, explain that to somebody that just, like, really has no idea in what somatic healing is.[00:17:00]

Yeah, so, I guess the I'll say it this way. The easiest way to understand it is that whenever we have an experience in the world, irrespective of what that experience is, it registers in multiple ways in our organism. It registers in our mind, in our brain, it registers in our bodies neurologically, it registers hormonally in our bodies, in all the different biochemical ways, and even electrical ways that it registers in our bodies.

Now the more intense that experience is, The bigger it is, and especially the more painful it is, right, there's a more, it shocks or the more imprints rather into our system. And so what happens often then is the body says, Hey, this was a really big experience and it wasn't a pleasant one. We need to make sure we remembered this one.

And so it's somehow it in, not somehow, but he makes such a mark and such an imprint that [00:18:00] anything that was captured in that moment is, you know, imprinted in our bodies, in our minds. And if it happens again, warning bells go off, alarm bells go off. Say, Hey, the same thing that happened before that was really unpleasant may happen again.

Let's prepare for it. So we'll prepare for it in all the different ways. Now, while that can be helpful at times, most of the time is actually not, it's the false alarms, if you like. And so we've got to learn to re regulate our nervous system. So again, different Um, downregulating breath techniques, downregulating practices such as grounding in the earth, you know, being in nature, mindfulness practices more specifically.

You know, spend some time during the day, just sitting and observing and watching, like really opening your gaze, looking at an object, labeling that object, giving it texture, just describing that object. So it's really grounding you in the present. When we're grounded in the present, [00:19:00] we tend to activate more of a parasympathetic nervous system response because we're thinking less about the future and there's less worry and anxiety there.

And there's less about all the bad things that we've done in the past. And so being present can help. Simple practices of gratitude, genuinely connecting to what you're grateful for, allowing that feeling to circulate in your body, stimulate serotonin. Serotonin is a very grounding hormone as well, really keeps you in the present.

Simple practices like that could be really useful. Self care practices, you know, exercising, getting some light, being around people that really care for you and that you can care for them. It's reciprocated, that co regulation really helps with being surrounded by people. That are healthy in their own nervous systems and that feel good in their own nervous system so that your nervous system can emulate that And then of course, you know gently unwinding any tension through somatic practices.

I mean massage is an example of that but when you couple body work specific kind of body work with um, Emotional [00:20:00] release work and bringing awareness to certain experiences again going back to what I said around Expressing what was not expressed and releasing that through the body that can be deeply nurturing and healing as well.

Yeah, I'd love to know more. Well, first of all, we could talk a lot about breath work because I've been doing breath for five, six years now. And I it's just been incredible for my life. So I'm very enthusiastic about it. And I think anybody that does it kind of is. But how connected is the central nervous system and or emotional and mood stability to the body?

So for example, I'm pretty confident that some of the back pain that I have now is not necessarily physical. I actually think it's related to my central nervous system and my body. Either stress or something that I still have to work through. How, how often are you seeing that connection? I mean, I'd say always it's, it's, it's always there.

It's we're intricate, intricately connected beings. There's no [00:21:00] real separation, you know, Dr. Dr. Sano, he's passed away now, but he speaks a lot to the mind body connection and the, the, the, um, interweaving reality that there's this mind and there's this, there's this body and they're one in the same and they express differently.

And that our mind and our emotional self, which is, I guess, immaterial, but also not at the same time, you know, our emotional self is, and our thinking self is a combination of electrical impulses and biochemical function, and so there's this interplay between physiology and psychology, physiology and spirituality, if you like.

It's all physical, physiological, and it's all spiritual. And so I don't think you can escape one, one or the other. And, but where we, where we often make a mistake in life is because we're so heady, because we're so neck up oriented, we're so intellectual, we, we believe and think that we can think our way through [00:22:00] drama and trauma and pain.

And that only gets us so far. We have to also. Release what's stuck in the body. We have to also move what's stuck in the body physiologically as well. So we close that trauma loop so we can literally move on from it. One of the so beautifully said, and one of the things that I've realized is that it just can't be understated the connection.

There's no separation there. And so as much as I'd love to keep this conversation going, we're coming up on the time, but before we do, if somebody is wanting to learn more about this work around the inner child. You know, what's a good starting point? What are some good resources? What are some suggestions that you would give to anybody as parting words?

Yeah, I think, um, internal family systems is a, a great modality to, to start with potentially. And just, just, you know, um, I can't remember his first name. I think it's, it's Bradshaw is his last name. I can't remember his first name. Um, Let me see if I've actually got the book here. Yeah, [00:23:00] John, I do. John Bradshaw, Coming Home.

Or sorry, John Bradshaw, Homecoming is a great place to start for inner child work. Oh, that's great. Well, if anybody wants to get ahold of you, learn more about you, what's a good place for them to connect with you? Uh, social media, Instagram, I'm pretty active there at Stephanos Zofandos, um, and my website, Stephanos Zofandos dot com.

Yeah, and I'll back that up. I love your content. I follow you on Instagram. So keep putting out that amazing content. Thanks. Stephanos, thank you so much for coming on today. Appreciate you. And that's a wrap on today's episode of Journey to the Sunnyside. Huge thanks to Steph for sharing his story and insights on healing the inner child.

That's a journey that we all can learn from. If today got you thinking about your own past and how it might be shaping your present, head on over to sunnyside. co and take our free three minute quiz to get started on a more mindful path and stay tuned because next time Steph is going to be back and help us dig into breaking free from self sabotage.

And letting go of those patterns that keep us [00:24:00] stuck. And don't forget to subscribe and leave a review. That would mean the world to me. And I'll see you in the next episode as we keep moving towards a more intentional, mindful life.